I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
