I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
