none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pappa wants mamma naked
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
