The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
