At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize