If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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