i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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