Jerry, you need to find god
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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