Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
