He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
