i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize