The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
