Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
