On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
