This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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