I accidentally burped into my bong.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
