Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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