don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
