I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
