allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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