I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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