I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
