You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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