he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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