You can't special order awesome
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
