I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize