you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
