The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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