There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
