I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize