The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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