Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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