Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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