i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
