I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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