so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
