He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize