dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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