i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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