Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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