I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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