ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
