I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
