Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
