Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize