No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I could make wine with my vomit
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
