WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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