that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
