my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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