I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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