idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
