I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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