you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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