there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
