Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
