South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
