don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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