Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
