You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
