Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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