I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So squirting runs in the family.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
