mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
