Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
