i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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